||Chapter 17 - 19
Saint Anne has the honor of turning the first shovel full.
At 11:15 he walks to the center of the clearing, he had already worked out
the most acoustically viable spot for the Bong. The clearing is soon full of
people waiting to see the opening ceremony, the Mull Machine was doing a
roaring trade, they had virtually sold out of Tee shirts and Kelly was on
the phone ordering more. She was quickly proving to be indispensable, it was
the first time in her life that some one had trusted her so quickly, but
then that was always one of Glitters best traits his acceptance of peoples
potential, he must have got it from his Mum. At the center of the clearing
perhaps only Glitter could see the vision of an entire Hemp world growing
from this humble beginning. In his minds eye he could see Big Bong rolling
papers, Big Bong Post Cards, the Big Bong Motel and Bar, Big Bong Breakfast
cereal, in short a whole industry based around the trading name that was his
intellectual property. He was surrounded by the cream of Australias' media
and they were all unsure of how to report this event.
Authors Note; Perhaps it's best to quote from the Article that
appeared in the Sunday Papers the next weekend. This article was in all,
four pages long and had several drawings by Glitter. It was reprinted world
wide, eventually earning an award for journalism, it demonstrated that the
pen is mightier than the sword and that public opinion is stronger than
Today I met a man, at first glance a very ordinary man. I had been roused
from my sleep by my Editor at 3 AM and told to get my butt up to the small
coastal town of Nambucca Heads, he had been alerted by our American
Affiliates that an event of world altering proportions was taking place
under our very noses. He was at a loss to explain why we weren't already on
the case, his
only excuse was that whilst he'd heard of Glitter, he and most of the
Australia media had dismissed him as a joke. I jumped into my car and made
the trip in a comfortable six hours. Upon my arrival I was told that in
order to enter the Bong Site, first I'd have to buy a Tee Shirt and a copy
of the novel. I used my company credit card. I was led into a compound kind
of arrangement now dressed in my new hemp shirt, at one with the other
bright colours of the people around me. I must admit at first I thought this
was some kind of cult. I was then instructed to read a short novel , I sat
beneath one of the many Gum trees and began to read, I had changed some of
my Australian currency into Boings. The boing is more commonly known as a
joint, they were exchangeable for food and refreshments. I chose instead to
smoke mine, it seemed to suit the occasion. I've been to many Rock concerts
in my time and that was the ambiance that surrounded me, there was a buzz of
excitement in the air. The further into the book I got, the more I realised
that I was reading something extraordinary, the story is a simple one that
tells how to logically attain world peace. As I got over my initial
criticisms of the sentence structure and style, I started see the big
picture. This book is written by one of those very rare people, the kind
that come along only every two or three hundred years, a true visionary. In
earlier times he would have been heralded as a prophet or saint, although he
makes the claim to be just a story teller, the truth shone through. I
finished the book and then in a euphoric haze brought on by a combination of
the Boings and the love and peace emanating from the people around me, I
walked over to the Black shirted security guard who was guarding the
entrance to the compound. He asked me if I was finished reading the book, I
replied that I had and that it was great. He then asked me a couple of
questions to make sure that I had. I satisfactorily answered these and was
allowed to pass through. He gave me a congratulatory joint for my efforts.
Then I made my way over to the actual ground breaking ceremony. A crowd of
people were standing around a lady with an ancient shovel in her hand. At
first it was an eerie feeling seeing how closely the man resembled the
character I had just been reading about.
At precisely 11:30 she pushed the shovel into the earth and said "I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to say, Umm, Son?"
" Mum how about you say; "While this is a small shovel full of dirt for a
woman it's a giant dig at mankind?"
At first she laughed and then said, "I declare this thing open!"
I was moved deeply by this simple ceremony, we all then retired toward the
bus that was the temporary Hemp quarters, where a cluster media were
clamoring for Glitters attention. Although an air of journalistic
competition was evident, I could sense that my comrades were now all
sympathetic toward this modern day Don Quixote. He told us if we wanted to
walk around the Peace zone, he had work to do and he then strode off,
entourage en-tow, toward the Billboards. We spoke amongst ourselves and
agreed that rather than just one of us scoop the story we would pool our
money and conduct the worlds first well behaved press conference, after all,
as a writer, he was one of us. When he returned we put this idea to him, he
readily agreed and sat down where we wanted him to, under the Gum tree
flying the flip sided flag.
"First Question, where and when did the idea of a Big Bong occur to you?
"Well, when I returned from Texas to start writing I discovered that full
time writing is one of the best ways to lose weight invented, I was sleeping
on a couch and living out of a mates spare change jar, I got a part time gig
as a laborer, mostly lifting these buckets of sand up three stories, anyway,
as I'm having lunch, I'm listening to the guys, they're talking World Cup
Soccer. I'm straight and thinking I wish I had a Bong. Earlier I'd told them
I was from Nambucca and to explain it's location, I said south of Coffs
Harbour, where as we all know you can find the Big Banana, in a
conversational lull one of them looks at me and said "Are you from near the
Big... and at that moment this light went off inside my head as the incoming
word "Big," collided with my last thought, "Bong." Now I know this sounds
corny but it was like I suddenly saw this beautiful vision, once I'd
unscrambled the anagram boggin that is! I don't know how much time passed,
it was a true Hollywood moment, next thing I remember is I'm suddenly asking
these guys questions like how would you build it, what from, how much would
it cost. It wasn't too long
before I'm telling everyone I know about how I'm going to build a Big Bong
and make a movie and write a book!"
"Did you encounter much opposition at first?"
"Yes, no one was prepared to listen me verbalize the whole plan, I made
repeated efforts to gain the necessary funding, I was on the smallest
government artist subsidy, commonly called the dole. In hindsight I probably
brought much of it on my self. It is such a complex idea, Let's face it, how
many of you would have listened to me trying to explain that I was writing a
book about a guy who builds a giant Bong and that I want to make the book
into a movie? I was palmed off as being mentally unstable or drug fucked.
However once the book came out it was a different story."
"How long did it take you to write the book?"
"First I had to live it! The basic hold up was that to write it so that it
was publishable I needed a $5,000 computer, since I was spending a few years
broke for life style reasons it was a huge hurdle, in the end I simply
borrowed computers when ever I could. I then needed to produce the first 500
copies and had to borrow money for that as well. In the mean time, I suppose
I filled 50
foolscap note books with hand writing doing the initial drafting and 16
sketch books with drawings, all over a two year period. The actual novel
took me five weeks of almost non-stop typing and editing to finalise. There
were many times that I wished I never started."
"You make the claim that you are primarily a poet, which if any of your
poems best describes you the man?"
"It's called Me in a tree. Let me recite it for Y'all,
Chameleon sitting on his branch,
you can't see him do his dance.
Your mind won't believe what your eyes can't see.
Future crying out to me.
Vivid chains of irony.
Imagery I do reject.
Burn the bridges every time.
With out reason, without rhyme.
Full speed ahead in linear motion.
Where I'll end up have no notion.
Only want tranquillity,
there must be more than just feed me.
Am I deep? Or am I shallow?
Some things chill me to the marrow.
Who has time to explain themselves?
Not wanting help just listen please.
Insanity calling out my name,
sense of regret, sense of shame.
Yet sanity will prevail,
or I must leave here without fail.
If you need to learn the trail,
so travel here, then travel back.
Reality may attack, then forget the worst,
relive the first, but only follow weather.
Serve everyone you ever meet,
Help others help themselves,
know that ego means
I AM HERE ALONE!!!
Let others know that you are there,
they only have to call,
still, people go their own way...
There was a silence that was soon filled with the next question.
"Have you considered the environmental impact that the Bong will have on the
wild life in this area?"
"Yes I consulted many local fishermen and they are very much in favor of me
releasing the Bong water into the river. They claim that it will attract the
right kind of fish, they figure that the fish will be slower and easier to
catch. They also figure that since one of the side effects of marijuana is
an increase in weight due to the munchies that they will just about jump
into the boat, this augers well for both the tourist industry and the local
"What about the local birds and native animals?"
"We are talking free smoko here, I predict that animals will soon make the
Big Bong part of their annual migration."
"What do you intend to do with the massive fortune that this enterprise will
bring your way?"
"I have many plans, next I would like to dig a trench from Port Augusta to
Lake Ayre and construct a heat sink to help slow down global warming and to
refill the depleted artesian basin. This would enable Australia to support
many more millions of people. I would encourage immigration to fill the
labor pool. Any one prepared to sail here would be welcome, first though,
they would have to do a lap of the continent! Around the shores of this lake
I would like to plant Marijuana and begin to export it around the world.
Also there is the Contract for Nuclear missile disposal and the commencement
of Sundivers/Ecofunerals, I figure to keep myself as busy as possible."
"How closely will the movie follow the book?"
"I'm not sure, I do know that the Big Bong I'm building will be the star, I
have saved some of the funnier sight gags for the movie so in that regard it
will be different."
"Can you give us some more of your personal history?"
"Yes, you will have to patient though, I am writing a prequel to the novel
at the moment, it will pretty much tell the story of my life up to the Bong.
Although I will say this, if we ever find a way to live someone else's life
in virtual reality, when you see a copy of my life, rent me. I have kind of
worked out how to achieve this, it's a plot line for a science fiction book
I will write one day. The basic premise is that you surgically insert a wire
with a small attractant current into the pleasure center of your brain.
Connect the other end to a blank computer disc and then let the intellect or
Id find it's own way to escape the mortal trap. Preferably have a radio
transmitter hooked up so that the electrical matrix that then forms your
intellect can beam itself out into the cosmos leaving behind a copy of
itself behind for safe keeping."
Personally I was glad I was taping all this.
"Have you heard from Coke or Pepsi?"
"No, I called Starbuck and Smegma and told them not to worry. That was
always a back up plan to fund this project up front. The public have
supported me far quicker than I ever imagined. The Basic shape of the Bong
is a cylinder, it was always going to look like a giant water tower. The
outside shape will change from year to year. If Coke or Pepsi want to be
first then it's up to
them to approach me."
The Joint flight.
Authors note; The next months were a time of intense construction
and minor complaint. Many people complained that the Bong was taking too
long to build. The heartbreak and triumph of this period is graphically
captured in the "Building of the Big Bong." It was a very tired and stoned
Glitter that finally embarked a Jumbo jet for London via L.A and Dallas. All
was ready at the Bong for the finale, needing only the joint to bring it to
life. Security would pose no problems for the worlds leaders, for example,
at last count there were 7,000 Queen Elizabeths coming to the party, in fact
the major problem that would face the worlds leaders is getting people to
believe that that were the real thing! Glitter said that it will do them
good to be anonymous for a day, it might give them a bit of humility.
Sitting next to Glitter for the flight was Starbuck, he was en-route to
Washington to take up his post at the United nations as Big Bong Ambassador,
he also would be Co-ordinating the media coverage around the world. He still
wasn't a smoker! The film crew were along for the ride, they planned to
shoot the Dallas bar scenes en route plus the priceless footage of Glitter
lighting a joint from the Olympic flame. The original Jumbo Jet that Glitter
had chartered was full of Aussie smokers on the first round the worlds first
non stop smoke fest, when the plane landed at L.A. the reception was
enormous, a delegation of Los Angeles celebrities gave Glitter the key to
the city, he made numerous Television appearances and then 6 Jumbos left L.A
en-route to D/FW. The reception that Glitter received there was beyond even
his wildest dreams. The movie scenes were quickly shot and the party raged
up and down Greenville Avenue for days. Glitter also got to see his beloved
Packers win the Super bowl and was there with his mate "the legend" to
Quarterback, who immediately joined the entourage. When they embarked their
planes at D/FW there were even more people coming on for the trip, 16 Jumbos
left for London. In London a massive crowd turned out at Heathrow Airport to
welcome them, at the head of the crowd was
Lamb Jobert, she and Janice Valentine had started the English Big Bong Fan
Club. Tom Twocountries, Lamb, Janice and Selina had organised a giant
Smoke-In at Wembley Stadium to coincide with the arrival of the Big Bong
Theorists. England proved to be as hospitable as America had, by now it was
truly a peace movement, 36 Jumbo Jets left for Athens. The Jumbos made an im
pressive sight as they circled above the Airport nose to tail. The
procession to the Olympic flame can be viewed on the archival film footage.
Glitter didn't ride a Donkey as some of the satirical cartoons of the day
suggested. As Glitter lit the joint, he passed it to Selina,
and then it passed down the line of the most ardent supporters, Red, Janice,
Ultra Cool, Selina and so on. They followed the Joint at a leisurely pace
and then they split up in to the more than 50 jumbos which were now required
to transport the European, Australian and American contingents. All the
major Airlines had sponsored their own countries Bong delegations, with
Radio and TV stations awarding the seats as prizes. On their return to
Australia the fleet was joined by other planes from around the world, it was
estimated that 68% of the entire worlds aircraft descended on Sydney, the
skies roared with the sound of thousands of aircraft. Customs couldn't
handle the huge volume of people. Glitters plane flew straight to Coffs
airport, the first jumbo to land on the International runway that had been
hastily built for the occasion. it was soon filled to capacity and
eventually the latter incoming Airplanes had to be parked out side the
There to meet him was John and Mathilda, Glitter climbed
into the back.
"Looks like this little business venture of yours is successful
"Yes" slurred a jet lagged Glitter, "Please don't drive too fast, I don't
want this joint to go out."
"I won't. Oh, and please don't burn the seats!"
A Police escort lead them out of the Airport towards the Bong, all along the
way people are waving to Glitter.
"So Glitter, you are the toast of the world how do you feel?"
"This is the best birthday present I've ever had."
"Oh." says Kelly, "I forgot, what do you want for your birthday?"
"You, World Peace and a couple of joints and a hot tub will do nicely thank
As they drove into the Bong site they all drew a breath, over a million
people were there to celebrate the start of the New Era of World peace.
There were people every where, with more arriving all the time, all wearing
Big Bong Tee shirts. Glitter thinks to himself, I wonder how much money I'm
worth now? He is wearing his original jeans, boots and cap and a Big Bong
Tee shirt. He turns to Kelly and says, "Ain't it a shame that the first
Sundiver flight isn't due to hit the sun for another two years, a good solar
flare about now would increase sales of Big Bong Sun Blockout.
The sound stage is a vast circle around the Bong, the speaker stacks face
inwards and outwards, the cream of the worlds rock groups were ready to play
the ultimate gig.
clearing resembled a giant speaker. Glitter and Kelly dismount from the
Rolls, Glitter starts to offer John some money for the ride, John replied,
"Are you kidding, do you have any idea how much this car has appreciated in
value? That's thanks enough."
Glitter climbs into a Cherry Picker and is hoisted above the crowd, joint
still alight and held high. All is silent as he starts to speak.
The microphone is ultimately connected to every Computer, Television and
radio set in the world, with translators standing by ready to spread the
"I don't really have the words to express how I feel at the moment. I never
thought it would get this big, this fast. The word that springs to mind is
Peace. Peace at last and Peace for ever! If you all join me and start
chanting Big Bong, this entire complex will transmit a message out into the
Stars. On three, One, Two, THREE!
Glitter throws the joint into the
mouth of the specially designed Ultra cone, packed with over a ton of the
worlds most Primo Quality Marijuana. The roof of the Bong begins to rotate,
drawing air down through the Stem.
Authors Note; The Bong site was indeed designed to concentrate all
the noise of the party and then through the metallic vibrations of the Bong,
to transmit the message of peace into space. Whether this was done for
practical reasons of alien contact or simply to help him win a Hugo award
for science fiction, I leave that for you to decide.
As the smoke came spiraling down the stem and into the Sump, it was being
monitored by skin-divers in specially designed thermal wet suits. They were
led by an parrot head ex-lover of Glitters, Paula. The Bong was full of
people who may or may not have been world leaders. Theorists had booked
their space as they subscribed, they were allotted space on a first in, best
dressed basis. They were all equipped with Gas masks, nick named Clintons
(so called for the US President who didn't inhale,) in case the fumes became
overwhelming. The speaker stacks were booming out "Big Bong" in time to the
chant of a million people as the Cherry Picker deposited Glitter back on the
ground. He grabbed Kelly and raced for the Shottie door,
sealing it Air tight behind them. They raced up the spiral ramps that
formed the inside of the Bong, the water was bubbling below as the first of
the smoke was drawn through it, emerging cool and fresh like an Autumn mist.
The ambiance of the inside of this lunatic gas chamber is best captured
by reading the poetry of Samuel Taylor Colleridge, particularly Kubla Khan.
Glitter and Kelly were being effusively congratulated by the lucky occupants
of the Bong, or creatures of the Skerb as they were to become known, even so
they managed to keep just ahead of the Pot cloud. They reached the top just
as the Smoke of Peace emerges, a stone cool coming, to quote the title of
one of his lesser known poems. Glitter looks at the smiling faces of his
long standing supporters and the world leaders around him as the smoke
billows out through the rotating roof that acts as an impeller fan. He
watches as it descends onto the crowd which was already lit by the light of
a Million Boings. The Bong is vibrating in time to the
chanting, the noise deafening. The feelings that must have been felt by the
little poet from Nambucca can only be guessed at, a close up from one of the
many cameras at the top shows an expression that can best be described as
pure bliss. The lines inscribed above the Shottie door say it best:
A Gentleman, a scholar, a poet, rogue or thief.
The sharing of a pipe, a system of belief.
For that was Glitter, a true gentleman, a scholar, a definite rogue, a
truly gifted poet and a stealer of hearts. The chanting went on for hours as
wave after wave of the tidal wave of peace rolled out from the Bong, the
entire population of the earth together demanding peace with one voice.
Authors Final Note; We come now to the end of the first
installment of the Big Bong Theory. Glitter of course went on to bigger and
better projects, the Big Bong continues to provide ample cash flow for the
movement he started off. The world around us as we sit here and write the
last authors note was made possible through this remarkable individuals
efforts. We consider ourselves fortunate to have lived a part of our lives
in his shadow. Our children are now the first generation of humans that have
never known violence, let alone war. Every time I change radio stations I
swear I hear the sound of Glitter laughing from a far away star in the
crackle and the hiss of the static. Late at night as I lay in my bed, I
strain my ears into the silence, and at 3AM, the poets hour, he appears to
me. It may only be my memory playing tricks on me but for no reason poetry
springs into my mind. As I drift into the darkness on a moebius strip of
prose, it leads on, I care not where, I'll follow where it goes, to find my
strange old Uncle that flew right into the sun, if he was the equation then
I guess that I'm the sum. See I inherited some of his skills! The question
of immortality is raised often in this book, he has achieved this in a
limited way, yet as he often pointed out this book won't survive when the
sun goes nova. To you, Glitter is just a character in a book, he is at your
beck and call, you summon him to life each time your eyes touch the page and
each time you close it you condemn him to a thousand deaths. That is how he
wanted it, to take his place in your mind with all of the other characters
of your imagination. If you start behaving erratically, blame him, because
if you have fully assimilated this book then you know that Glitter is now a
part of your neural thought processes and he just might take over. To me, he
seems as though he is the part of me that takes me out to party when I'm
feeling down, he is the personality that I slip into when danger threatens
or some one else is trying to dominate me. I use his words as protection and
aspire to have his knowledge and charisma. He will return one day, I'm sure
and I'll sit in his lap and listen to his
stories of his adventures and travels like I did as a little girl. When my
little ones are older I know that they will follow my footsteps and read
those journals. They already know of Glitter, if you ask them where is
Glitter, they point one their cute little fingers at the sun and say,
"Glitter there." The reason he wanted to be buried in the sun was this, he
thought that the Vikings were on the right track. That the next stage of
evolution was attainable only after death. Civilization was possible through
the harnessing of fire and by burning the bodies of the dead it released
their consciousness back into the tribe. The amount of intelligence
transference was a matter of temperature. He would point out the huge
advances in technology since the Nuclear bomb
was invented and would use Japan as the example. Since the hottest place to
be buried was the sun, it all made sense to him, all he had to do was find a
way to get there!
Index / Chapter 1
Chapter 4 to 8 / Chapter 9 to
Chapter 12 to 16 / Chapter 17 to 19