||Chapter 9 - 11
The Emissaries are sent on their mission.
Glitter is sitting beneath the shade of a gum tree, the flip sided flag
hanging limply from a branch above his head, he is talking with two well
dressed men who have just pulled up in a current model Ford. One was a tall
well built man in his early forties, his posture indicated that he was used
to leading by example. Although middle age was slowly gaining ground on his
midriff, his way of moving suggested an athletic past, his grey flecked
mustache gave his face the appearance of a kindly Sergeant Major.
been a friend of Glitters from the time they had worked together selling
cars in the "Greedy Eighties." He possessed a keen mind and had much
experience in sales and the art of wheeling and dealing. His position in
society was such that he could relate to the business world in a way that
Glitter could not. He had the lucky ability, (although he preferred to call
it style!) to lay down with pigs and arise smelling like roses. He was the
ideal person to approach the large soft drink manufacturers, a task that he
and Glitter had spent many moths planning, Star buck was to be joined on
this mission by another old mate, Craig "Smegma" Steanesdad.
Smegster was a recently failed lettuce farmer from Queensland. He had many
contacts amongst the advertising world having been involved in publishing
before his ill fated foray into growing, as Glitter loved to point out, the
wrong kind of Green! Steansdad was ultimately to rise to head of the Big
Bong Hydroponics laboratory and it was his team that produced the salt-water
tolerant high yield hybrid plants that Glitter used to later greenify the
Australian desert. Both of these guys had the added advantage of being non
marijuana smokers and so should they have any problems with the law would be
able to pass any drug test with equanimity. Steanesdad was six feet tall and
possessed of great charisma and good looks, had he ever been inclined he
could have been an actor or male model, yet his interest had always been in
sales and in this area he was truly gifted. He had also been involved in the
Motor Trade yet no trace of the Used Car Albatross was evident in either his
speech or way of thinking.
Authors Note; This unlikely trio had shared many nights of
Bacchanalian excess in the heady days of their youth, Smegster used to tell
the story of the night Glitter showed them the correct way to drink
champagne, he tells the story like this.
We are at the Oaks Hotel in Neutral Bay, I suppose it's 1985, we'd had a
huge lunch and we all had the wobbly boot on. Starbuck spots this bunch of
three girls standing under the tree, obviously in need of some male company,
neither Buck or myself felt up to the possible rejection, so Glitter says
I'll teach you the Champagne open. So he goes up to the bar and buys a
bottle of Mo'et, then holding it behind his back, walks up to the girls and
asks one of them if he can borrow her left shoe. Now this chick is
completely bewildered, but for some strange reason reaches down and gives
him her smelly old shoe.
Glitter looks her in the eye and says "Did you
know there are two distinct ways to drink Champagne from a ladies shoe?
Dumbfounded, she answers "No." Now whether she is amazed at the question
or being referred to as a lady for the first time I don't know. She watches
in amazement as Glitter fills her cheap plastic shoe with about $50 worth of
Glitter says, "The way a gentleman drinks from a ladies shoe is
to sip it delicately from the side like this." He demonstrates the
technique, carrying off the attempt and not spilling a drop.
and then says, "Or you can drink it like the absolute party animal that I
Glitter turns the shoe so that the heel is facing toward his mouth
and then just tips the whole thing back, the Champagne comes rushing out
like a tidal wave, splashes all over his face and down his suit. Man, we are
falling about the place laughing, we join them a bit later with another
bottle of Bubbly and glasses for all but Glitter insisted on drinking from
that rotten old shoe, he reckoned it turned the Non Vintage Mo'et in to
vintage, what a sight, standing around in a up-scale bar with a shoe sipping
Champagne drenched Glitter! I'd like to able to say that this was an
aberration but when he has a drink you never know what he'll say or do,
although I would like to add there is no malice in him.
The Big Bong Theory States;
The only way that Marijuana is a HARD drug
is by the fact of how
HARD it can be to buy sometimes.
The U.S. agent receives the secret code words.
As Starbuck and Smegma depart for the big smoke Glitter reaches into his
back pack and pulls out a mobile phone, he starts pushing buttons.
Laura Leigh? Look I can't talk long, I've found a site for the Tourist
Tower, repeat the Tourist Tower has a site, now you can run the Add. What?
The Packers won again? Cool, anyway call Starbuck at home, 11pm your time
tomorrow, Yeah, I'm excited, See Ya!"
Glitter then turns off the phone and stretches out on his Back pack,
wriggles around to get as comfortable as possible, and pulls his hat down
over his eyes. He says almost to himself, "I've been awake three days
straight and that's almost as bad as being straight, three days straight,
Kelly, please wake me if any thing happens or at noon which ever comes
first." And with that said, he falls immediately into a deep and dreamless
Authors Note; The Laura Leigh in question was Glitters secret
Agent, quasi literary Agent that is. In conjunction with "Skid," (full name
Mark Knickerbocker) they had been in charge of distributing Glitters Novel.
She had met him in the same place that most people meet him, in a
She was an attractive brunette from Texas, the same age as Glitter, early
thirties and was in that stage of her life where she was looking to either
settle down or to stay on her career track. Typically, both of these options
held equal attraction and consequently she had been postponing the decision.
When she first met Glitter she was a "White Slave Trader," in other words
she worked in an employment agency, she was on her way up the corporate
ladder. She had fallen in like with Glitter from the first moment she saw
him in her local bar in Dallas, "The New London Tavern." It was a Tuesday
evening, she had been to a work function and was stopping in for a cleansing
ale to help get the foul taste out of her mouth from a stressful evening of
kissing up to the corporate butt.
As she walked through the door of the
usually quiet tavern she was greeted by the sight of a guy standing on a
table with a joint in one hand and a beer in the other, shouting out to the
bar in general. "Ninety three years ago today my fore-fathers told your
fore-fathers to Fuck off out of Australia and go crawl back to that
miserable rainy shit hole you call England and if any of you Pommy bastards
take exception to that, then you can start right here, right now!"
immediate thought was that Barry (her friend the publican) is going to kill
him, she was surprised to see Barry cheering as loud as the rest of the
assembly. She was then stuck with that strange feeling of right place wrong
time, she was totally sober and the pub was as full as a Friday night, she
checked her watch to make sure of the date, it was January 26th. She saw her
next door neighbor Sherb the Artist and went to speak with him, she asked
him what was happening.
"It's some of weird Aussie ritual, a July 4th kind of independence day. All
I know is the guy up on the table there is a buddy of mine and we've been
drinking all day, he's already drunk Mikey and Jack under the table and I
got no idea where Scott is, I don't know how much longer I'll last. You
Gotta meet him, we worked together selling cars, he's the coolest dude
you'll ever meet, we called him the Mate."
Another time thought Laura Leigh, she ordered a beer and watched him leap
from the table and walk directly toward her. He's quite cute, I wonder what
he's like in bed.
Glitter is on his way to buy his buddy Sherb a beer,
Sherb introduces the two and Glitters first words to her are, "I'm very good
in bed thank you."
Laura is speechless, it was if he read my mind she thinks and stands there
with her mouth open.
Glitter orders a round of drinks with a circular motion of his hand,
obviously on good terms with all the staff.
"How did you know I was thinking that? asks Laura.
"I didn't," replies Glitter, "but I'm prepared to back it up!"
Laura laughs in relief, "Very smooth Mate. You must get all sorts of
reactions to that opening line."
"Actually, that's the first time I've used that particular line, I usually
ask the lady in question if she finds me as physically attractive as I find
her. If she does, I then ask her if she sees me more as a lover or more as a
friend, either way suits me as you can't have too many lovers and no one
ever has enough friends, Your answer would be?"
The Big Bong Theory States;
A recent study into the cattle herds at "Stone Milk," a new subsidiary
of Big Bong Incomeglomerated, showed that their new diet of Marijuana leaf
and tip was having no adverse effect on either the cows health or mental
well being. The cows themselves spoke only of grass when interviewed. The
bovine word for Grass is Moo. They seemed very contented with their new
fodder, repeatedly calling for more. If the blissed out expressions of their
calves is any thing to go by, then the future of this new venture is
The Starbuck and Smegma dialogue and more poems.
Authors Note; Most of the following conversation was assembled
from a recording, the car wasn't bugged, Smegma was playing with the machine
that Glitter had given him to record the soft drink manufacturers reactions.
As he was fiddling, he inadvertently left the machine in record
The car phone rings, "Buck? Glitter here, now I know this is going to sound
strange, but can you call Birkenhead Selina when you get back to Sydney, her
number is 5556468."
"Glitter 555 is a movie phone number" interjects Smegma.
"It also happens to be the first three numbers in Balmain and 555 is an
American movie thing any way." Starbuck informs all listening.
"Thanks for the trivia Starbuck, please call Selina and ask her to get in
touch with her cousin, the Gypsy Actress Astrologer Terri, the one with the
three legged dog. Tell her that the Bong is happening and that I could have
a spot in it for Terri if she's not working. There is a piece written for
Selina if she wants to do it also. Her character is one of the organizers of
the Joint flight, also although I tried, I couldn't find anything for
Annette, her mother besides this vague passing reference. I need Terri to
act as staff astrologer."
"Glitter what the hell do you want with a staff astrologer? You don't even
believe in Star signs." asks the Smegster.
"Mate just because I don't believe in superstitious claptrap doesn't mean
it's invalid. I need her to do several things for me I want her to work out
the most powerful and auspicious date to commence construction on the Bong.
She is reputed to be quite a talented actress and I'm going to need some
real actors to play all the different roles. She's a great looking girl with
a sensational figure, super personality, and I know it sounds sexist, but
she has the best tits I've seen for a while. Also when we start doing all
the merchandising deals if we get the incorporation date of their companies
and their time and date of birth we'll be have the upper hand in
"Why is that Glitter?" asks Buck.
"If they think that we are idiots it will effect their judgment. It's also a
good stall tactic, for example, we can't close this deal until we've done
your star chart. Any how I'll talk to Y'all later, Ciao."
Glitter hangs up, then Smegma says, "Glitter sure is a dreamer."
Starbucks reply is as eloquent as it is true. "Beware of those who dream in
the day, for they are the dangerous ones, they will make their dreams come
"Shit that's beautiful, did you just make that up or did you read it."
"Unfortunately I read it in a magazine some time ago."
"How can we get that into the movie script, it's too good a quote to waste.
Was it attributed to someone?"
"I don't think so."
"Hey, that gives me an idea, lets find out who wrote it, buy the rights to
it, tell Glitter you made it up and then when he uses it in the movie we can
sue him for plagiarism and get all his money!"
They both laugh as they know that Glitter never has any money, mostly due to
his over developed spending gland!
Authors Note; Allow me to inject for a moment here, Glitter was
purely unmotivated by money, he'd say if he had a choice between being rich
and unhappy or poor and happy, whilst he'd prefer to be rich and happy, he'd
go with poor and happy. He was no stranger to money having been one of the
better car salesmen ever to walk Parramatta Road. He also used to say that
"My body exists to carry my brain around, but my tongue and my dick joined
forces years ago and the rest of me is still trying to catch up!"
Back in the car Starbuck is saying, "You know that the whole project is one
gigantic Con job don't you?"
"What you mean World Peace is Bullshit?"
"No, the whole movie/novel/statue thing is a complete fabrication."
"Explain it to me before I get in any deeper."
"Glitter has worked out a way to pull down the biggest con job that the
world has ever seen, why do you think I've been helping him?"
"I figured you where in it for the glory, chicks and World Peace same as
"Nah, it's the ultimate snow job, a scam that will go down as the greatest
of all time."
"Oh man he had me fooled, I seriously thought this was about World Peace and
freedom of expression."
"It is about World Peace, that's the idea, he's trying to trick us, all of
us, every living person on the planet."
"Now I'm really confused, are you trying to brain fuck me or what
"This is how he explained it to me, he wrote his first book in such a way
that it was as controversial as possible. He'd say book first, movie second.
Build the set and then get stuck into merchandising. If the thing he's
building up the coast gets stopped he will have created a media storm,
people are naturally inquisitive there will be a huge demand for that book
he self publishes. He'll sign a distribution deal with a major publishing
company, they will have a gamble on his writing talent once they see how
large a market he has for his writing. Then he'll take the millions from
that and have another shot at building the Big Bong and making the movie
based on the novel, which ever way you look at it it keeps on
"What the hell is a moebius strip anyway, I read that at the start of the
book outline thing he's been posting and handing around. I didn't want to
show my ignorance and had been hoping he'd explain it to me."
"A moebius strip is a two dimensional object, to make one, you get a strip
of paper, twist it through 180 degrees and then glue the ends together, if
you get a pen and draw on it you end up where you started. Also if you hold
it right it looks like the sign for infinity, kind of ties in with his
poetry book title, Two of Infinity. He showed me this poem he wrote
specially for a moebius strip, the idea being that no matter where you start
to read, the thing makes sense as you follow it around the loop and you're
never sure where it's supposed to end or start. He was so excited about it
when it worked, he reckoned that he had invented a unique form of poetry,
the first new style for hundreds of years. He calls them Prosems and
the first one goes
Do you know what words are? Words are thoughts I share with
you. I listen to you thoughts and try and sift the signs, steadfast to your
insignia, your tokens and designs. Let me in you think I say. Why would I
care for you? I am out here happy. If a picture is worth a thousand words
then speak in words worth a thousand pictures.
"You sound like you've read a fair bit of his poetry Buck?"
"Yeah, don't tell him I said this, but his poetry is really good."
"You got a favourite?"
Starbuck then recites in his bestest and most resonant voice.
Postcards and Christmas cards, they briefly catch the spirit,
a gift can linger longer, but a memory remains.
I have memories of people and of places I have been,
the common and the unusual, most happy, some obscene!
This has been a wild ride, but I've done it all my life,
can a place become my lover? An area my wife?
I thought the world was all for me,
so I went there and I found,
the only thing about it is the Fucking thing is round.
And round is all it Fucking is and round is all it stays.
'cause round is a direction and a way to spend the days.
Authors Note; The next part of the conversation is about poetry
and rather boring to most of us, back to the rest of Starbuck and Smegma
dialogue, it's pretty interesting.
"So let me see if I understand this correctly Starbuck, the tasks he wants
us to do he could have done himself, he wants us to do them so we feel
involved. That means he is manipulating us by making us do his dirty
"Smegma this is real life and a friend of ours wants us to walk into the
head offices of two of the largest corporations in the world. We are then to
tell them that they can either hire the outside of giant marijuana pipe for
a million dollars or if they don't want to take part in this imbecilic idea,
they have to pay Two million. The word the Police use for this is
"What if they gang up on him and refuse to do either?
"Glitter doesn't care what they say, he's writing a book that he wants to
turn into a movie. He lives in his own weirdly wired world, way out side the
square. He once told me he is sending the most complex ransom note yet
devised. If the soft drink boys won't play ball he's going to go after Mac
Donalds next. Think of the millions of dollars they spend each year on
maintaining their family image world wide. Think how they'd react if they
saw the plans for a huge fibreglass Ronald Mac Donald with a huge stem where
his dick would be. Glitter even worked out a way to move the arms so it
looks like the clown is masturbating."
"Man he's going to spend his entire life fighting breach of copy right
"Glitter says that's an invalid point, he hasn't stolen image from
"But he's talking about a giant Coke or Pepsi bottle."
"His answer to that is simple, these companies have used advertising to
create a buying response in the general public. Therefore that image is
purchased with the product, the image that Glitter is using is taken from
garbage, someone had already purchased the image, used it and then discarded
it. He reckons if they sue him for misuse of their image he'll just bring up
the pollution aspect and they'll drop the law suit."
"But you can't hold them accountable for pollution, surely that's the
responsibility of the person who discarded the bottle."
"Glitter seems to think that no matter how the case goes he'll get more
publicity than ever and most of the worlds population will be backing the
under dog. Any way, if a character in a book or a movie can drink a can of
Coke, then the same character can make a huge Bong that looks like anything
he wants it to. He's safe in the arms of Fiction and Art."
"Now you are telling me that I don't exist and I'm just a figment of
"Well that's kind of true, you do exist in real life, you're just as real as
I am. These are just characters based on us, we're real, so is Glitter.
Although the person Glitter is even more out there than the character
Glitter. But ultimately he is just a story-teller and poet."
"How come some of the stuff that he wrote about in the book is coming true,
doesn't that make him a prophet?"
"Not really, remember he had to research this novel, he asked everybody he
met for years what they thought of a Giant Bong. Shit, he even asked the
cops who arrested him for drink driving for their opinion."
"What did they say?"
"Ha, They searched him for drugs! Anyway about the prophesy thing, as he
started writing the book and as the book was circulating, the whole idea
took on a life of it's own. I mean if you read between the lines of his
first book it's nothing more than a verbalisation of how to accomplish his
"So by writing this as a book he can solve all the problems facing us in the
same way that historians do when they rewrite history to suit the present.
So I'm in no danger of losing all the stuff that I've accumulated over the
years because Glitter will make sure that every thing turns out right."
"Now you got the idea Smegma, Glitter has written a book with no violence,
no bad guys, and solves all the problems standing in the way of world
"What if no one publishes it?"
"Glitter publishes it himself, when he first started out he would get his
friends to run off photocopies of his "first draft of the first seventh of
the Big Bong Theory" and post it all over the world. He was often asked why
don't you send it to a publisher and let them promote it. He used to smile
and say it has to be done this way. There is a huge underground network of
people all over the planet who have read his writing, it's too late to stop
the thing, it's already worming its way into the neural thought patterns of
generation X. It is a matter of when, not if."
The car phone rings again, Smegma answers.
"Smegma, you on hands free?"
"Yeah Glit, what's up?"
"I was just calling to reiterate to you guys that when y'all are talking to
the Soft drink guys you tell them that we are assembling a virtual
corporation, that the guy behind this is an original artist and he cannot be
controlled. Tell them it's too late to stop me and that they'd best look at
the situation from a damage control point of view. Tell them the script and
novel has been distributed all over the world and no matter how hard they
try there are too many people involved to stop it now."
"We were just talking along similar lines Glitter." Replies Buck.
"Cool I know you guys can handle it, that's why I delegated this phase of
the operation to you."
"Bull shit Glitter, you just want to sit up there on the beach, smoke dope
and write poetry!"
"You're right there Smegma, but first I'm going to build a really Big
Authors Note: Glitter was always afraid that he would die in some
weird accident, both his father and his grand father had died before their
time. As has been discussed he wrote in long hand, with the idea being that
if he died then all we had to do was to copy what he'd written and we would
have ourselves a best selling novel, it was a form of financial planning
or insane retirement scheme. And puzzle it was indeed. The journals are a
combination of diary and the threads of at least five novels and numerous
short stories, it is extremely auto biographical and the imagery is vivid.
He was also adept at drawing little cartoons, the original copy of the Big
Bong manuscript was recently sold at auction and fetched an amazing 32
Million Boing. The journals, of course, are not for sale. His hand writing
is legible and the mistakes in spelling are often intentional, so we were
never quite sure what was right. He wrote on all manner of paper, there are
bits of cardboard and all kinds of things. He wrote in a very haphazard
fashion, almost as if he was taking short hand from an amazingly fast
talker. But if you knew him then you would know how quickly his mind worked,
mind you his mouth worked damned fast as well. I've never met anyone before
or since who could talk as much as he did. I can almost see him sitting
there scribbling in his note book with felt tipped pens, complaining to me
about all the obstacles in his way. Perhaps that the part I liked best, he
wrote his journals as a conversation between him and the eventual Linear
Scholar. It was almost as though he knew that someone else would read his
diaries, I often felt as though I was being guided through a very
complicated maze. Every now and then you'd come across an outline for a
business project or money making idea that only needed capital to make it
work. There are half finished poems scattered throughout, he would use one
phrase or sentence over and over again, then it would disappear, only to
turn up in it's proper place in the typed novel. He kept the typed and
un-typed stuff separate, his journals were his editing field and he reckoned
that if he kicked a sentence around long enough he would score a goal with
it sooner or later.
The Big Bong Theory states;
The current living population of the earth is
roughly equal to the
number of people who have died.
Therefore every intellect/artist/warrior/statesman/despot/ruler or god
that has ever existed is potentially alive right now,
so too is every sod who ever turned a sod.
Index / Chapter 1 to
Chapter 4 to 8 / Chapter 9 to 11
Chapter 12 to 16 / Chapter 17