Big Bong Logo Chapter 9 - 11


Chapter Nine.

The Emissaries are sent on their mission.

Glitter is sitting beneath the shade of a gum tree, the flip sided flag hanging limply from a branch above his head, he is talking with two well dressed men who have just pulled up in a current model car. One was a tall well built man in his early forties, his posture indicated that he was used to leading by example. Although middle age was slowly gaining ground on his midriff, his way of moving suggested an athletic past, his grey flecked mustache gave his face the appearance of a kindly Sergeant Major. He had been a friend of Glitters from the time they had worked together selling cars in the "Greedy Eighties." He possessed a keen mind and had much experience in sales and the art of wheeling and dealing. His position in society was such that he could relate to the business world in a way that Glitter could not. He had the lucky ability, (although he preferred to call it style!) to lay down with pigs and arise smelling like roses. He was the ideal person to approach the large soft drink manufacturers, a task that he and Glitter had spent many moths planning, Star buck was to be joined on this mission by another old mate, Craig "Smegma" Steanesdad.
The Smegster was a recently failed lettuce farmer from Queensland. He had many contacts amongst the advertising world having been involved in publishing before his ill fated foray into growing, as Glitter loved to point out, the wrong kind of Green! Steansdad was ultimately to rise to head of the Big Bong Hydroponics laboratory and it was his team that produced the salt-water tolerant high yield hybrid plants that Glitter used to later greenify the Australian desert. Both of these guys had the added advantage of being non marijuana smokers and so should they have any problems with the law would be able to pass any drug test with equanimity. Steanesdad was six feet tall and possessed of great charisma and good looks, had he ever been inclined he could have been an actor or male model, yet his interest had always been in sales and in this area he was truly gifted. He had also been involved in the Motor Trade yet no trace of the Used Car Albatross was evident in either his speech or way of thinking.
Authors Note; This unlikely trio had shared many nights of Bacchanalian excess in the heady days of their youth, Smegster used to tell the story of the night Glitter showed them the correct way to drink champagne, he tells the story like this.
We are at the Oaks Hotel in Neutral Bay, I suppose it's 1985, we'd had a huge lunch and we all had the wobbly boot on. Starbuck spots this bunch of three girls standing under the tree, obviously in need of some male company, neither Buck or myself felt up to the possible rejection, so Glitter says I'll teach you the Champagne open. So he goes up to the bar and buys a bottle of Mo'et, then holding it behind his back, walks up to the girls and asks one of them if he can borrow her left shoe. Now this chick is completely bewildered, but for some strange reason reaches down and gives him her smelly old shoe.
Glitter looks her in the eye and says "Did you know there are two distinct ways to drink Champagne from a ladies shoe?
Dumbfounded, she answers "No." Now whether she is amazed at the question or being referred to as a lady for the first time I don't know. She watches in amazement as Glitter fills her cheap plastic shoe with about $50 worth of Mo'et.
Glitter says, "The way a gentleman drinks from a ladies shoe is to sip it delicately from the side like this." He demonstrates the technique, carrying off the attempt and not spilling a drop.
He pauses and then says, "Or you can drink it like the absolute party animal that I am!"
Glitter turns the shoe so that the heel is facing toward his mouth and then just tips the whole thing back, the Champagne comes rushing out like a tidal wave, splashes all over his face and down his suit. Man, we are falling about the place laughing, we join them a bit later with another bottle of Bubbly and glasses for all but Glitter insisted on drinking from that rotten old shoe, he reckoned it turned the Non Vintage Mo'et in to vintage, what a sight, standing around in a up-scale bar with a shoe sipping Champagne drenched Glitter! I'd like to able to say that this was an aberration but when he has a drink you never know what he'll say or do, although I would like to add there is no malice in him.

The Big Bong Theory States;

The only way that Marijuana is a HARD drug
is by the fact of how HARD it can be to buy sometimes.

Chapter Ten.

The U.S. agent receives the secret code words.

As Starbuck and Smegma depart for the big smoke Glitter reaches into his back pack and pulls out a mobile phone, he starts pushing buttons.
"Hi Laura Leigh? Look I can't talk long, I've found a site for the Tourist Tower, repeat the Tourist Tower has a site, now you can run the Add. What? The Packers won again? Cool, anyway call Starbuck at home, 11pm your time tomorrow, Yeah, I'm excited, See Ya!"
Glitter then turns off the phone and stretches out on his Back pack, wriggles around to get as comfortable as possible, and pulls his hat down over his eyes. He says almost to himself, "I've been awake three days straight and that's almost as bad as being straight, three days straight, Kelly, please wake me if any thing happens or at noon which ever comes first." And with that said, he falls immediately into a deep and dreamless sleep.
Authors Note; The Laura Leigh in question was Glitters secret Agent, quasi literary Agent that is. In conjunction with "Skid," (full name Mark Knickerbocker) they had been in charge of distributing Glitters Novel. She had met him in the same place that most people meet him, in a bar.
She was an attractive brunette from Texas, the same age as Glitter, early thirties and was in that stage of her life where she was looking to either settle down or to stay on her career track. Typically, both of these options held equal attraction and consequently she had been postponing the decision. When she first met Glitter she was a "White Slave Trader," in other words she worked in an employment agency, she was on her way up the corporate ladder. She had fallen in like with Glitter from the first moment she saw him in her local bar in Dallas, "The New London Tavern." It was a Tuesday evening, she had been to a work function and was stopping in for a cleansing ale to help get the foul taste out of her mouth from a stressful evening of kissing up to the corporate butt.
As she walked through the door of the usually quiet tavern she was greeted by the sight of a guy standing on a table with a joint in one hand and a beer in the other, shouting out to the bar in general. "Ninety three years ago today my fore-fathers told your fore-fathers to Fuck off out of Australia and go crawl back to that miserable rainy shit hole you call England and if any of you Pommy bastards take exception to that, then you can start right here, right now!"
Her immediate thought was that Barry (her friend the publican) is going to kill him, she was surprised to see Barry cheering as loud as the rest of the assembly. She was then stuck with that strange feeling of right place wrong time, she was totally sober and the pub was as full as a Friday night, she checked her watch to make sure of the date, it was January 26th. She saw her next door neighbor Sherb the Artist and went to speak with him, she asked him what was happening.
"It's some of weird Aussie ritual, a July 4th kind of independence day. All I know is the guy up on the table there is a buddy of mine and we've been drinking all day, he's already drunk Mikey and Jack under the table and I got no idea where Scott is, I don't know how much longer I'll last. You Gotta meet him, we worked together selling cars, he's the coolest dude you'll ever meet, we called him the Mate."
Another time thought Laura Leigh, she ordered a beer and watched him leap from the table and walk directly toward her. He's quite cute, I wonder what he's like in bed.
Glitter is on his way to buy his buddy Sherb a beer, Sherb introduces the two and Glitters first words to her are, "I'm very good in bed thank you."
Laura is speechless, it was if he read my mind she thinks and stands there with her mouth open.
Glitter orders a round of drinks with a circular motion of his hand, obviously on good terms with all the staff.
"How did you know I was thinking that? asks Laura.
"I didn't," replies Glitter, "but I'm prepared to back it up!"
Laura laughs in relief, "Very smooth Mate. You must get all sorts of reactions to that opening line."
"Actually, that's the first time I've used that particular line, I usually ask the lady in question if she finds me as physically attractive as I find her. If she does, I then ask her if she sees me more as a lover or more as a friend, either way suits me as you can't have too many lovers and no one ever has enough friends, Your answer would be?"
"Both please!"

The Big Bong Theory States;

A recent study into the cattle herds at "Stone Milk," a new subsidiary of Big Bong Incomeglomerated, showed that their new diet of Marijuana leaf and tip was having no adverse effect on either the cows health or mental well being. The cows spoke only of grass when interviewed. (The bovine word for Grass is Moo.) They seemed very contented with their new fodder, repeatedly calling for more. If the blissed out expressions of their calves is any thing to go by, then the future of this new venture is ensured.

Chapter Eleven.

The Starbuck and Smegma dialogue and more poems.

Authors Note; Most of the following conversation was assembled from a recording, the car wasn't bugged, Smegma was playing with the machine that Glitter had given him to record the soft drink manufacturers reactions. As he was fiddling, he inadvertently left the machine in record mode.
The car phone rings, "Buck? Glitter here, now I know this is going to sound strange, but can you call Birkenhead Selina when you get back to Sydney, her number is 5556468."
"Glitter 555 is a movie phone number" interjects Smegma.
"It also happens to be the first three numbers in Balmain and 555 is an American movie thing any way." Starbuck informs all listening.
"Thanks for the trivia Starbuck, please call Selina and ask her to get in touch with her cousin, the Gypsy Actress Astrologer Terri, the one with the three legged dog. Tell her that the Bong is happening and that I could have a spot in it for Terri if she's not working. There is a piece written for Selina if she wants to do it also. Her character is one of the organizers of the Joint flight, also although I tried, I couldn't find anything for Annette, her mother besides this vague passing reference. I need Terri to act as staff astrologer."
"Glitter what the hell do you want with a staff astrologer? You don't even believe in Star signs." asks the Smegster.
"Mate just because I don't believe in superstitious claptrap doesn't mean it's invalid. I need her to do several things for me I want her to work out the most powerful and auspicious date to commence construction on the Bong. She is reputed to be quite a talented actress and I'm going to need some real actors to play all the different roles. She's a great looking girl with a sensational figure, super personality, and I know it sounds sexist, but she has the best tits I've seen for a while. Also when we start doing all the merchandising deals if we get the incorporation date of their companies and their time and date of birth we'll be have the upper hand in negotiations."
"Why is that Glitter?" asks Buck.
"If they think that we are idiots it will effect their judgment. It's also a good stall tactic, for example, we can't close this deal until we've done your star chart. Any how I'll talk to Y'all later, Ciao."
Glitter hangs up, then Smegma says, "Glitter sure is a dreamer."
Starbucks reply is as eloquent as it is true. "Beware of those who dream in the day, for they are the dangerous ones, they will make their dreams come true."
"Shit that's beautiful, did you just make that up or did you read it."
"Unfortunately I read it in a magazine some time ago."
"How can we get that into the movie script, it's too good a quote to waste. Was it attributed to someone?"
"I don't think so."
"Hey, that gives me an idea, lets find out who wrote it, buy the rights to it, tell Glitter you made it up and then when he uses it in the movie we can sue him for plagiarism and get all his money!"
They both laugh as they know that Glitter never has any money, mostly due to his over developed spending gland!
Authors Note; Allow me to inject for a moment here, Glitter was purely unmotivated by money, he'd say if he had a choice between being rich and unhappy or poor and happy, whilst he'd prefer to be rich and happy, he'd go with poor and happy. He was no stranger to money having been one of the better car salesmen ever to walk Parramatta Road. He also used to say that "My body exists to carry my brain around, but my tongue and my dick joined forces years ago and the rest of me is still trying to catch up!"
Back in the car Starbuck is saying, "You know that the whole project is one gigantic Con job don't you?"
"What you mean World Peace is Bullshit?"
"No, the whole movie/novel/statue thing is a complete fabrication."
"Explain it to me before I get in any deeper."
"Glitter has worked out a way to pull down the biggest con job that the world has ever seen, why do you think I've been helping him?"
"I figured you where in it for the glory, chicks and World Peace same as me."
"Nah, it's the ultimate snow job, a scam that will go down as the greatest of all time."
"Oh man he had me fooled, I seriously thought this was about World Peace and freedom of expression."
"It is about World Peace, that's the idea, he's trying to trick us, all of us, every living person on the planet."
"Now I'm really confused, are you trying to brain fuck me or what Starbuck?"
"This is how he explained it to me, he wrote his first book in such a way that it was as controversial as possible. He'd say book first, movie second. Build the set and then get stuck into merchandising. If the thing he's building up the coast gets stopped he will have created a media storm, people are naturally inquisitive there will be a huge demand for that book he self publishes. He'll sign a distribution deal with a major publishing company, they will have a gamble on his writing talent once they see how large a market he has for his writing. Then he'll take the millions from that and have another shot at building the Big Bong and making the movie based on the novel, which ever way you look at it it keeps on moebiusing."
"What the hell is a moebius strip anyway, I read that at the start of the book outline thing he's been posting and handing around. I didn't want to show my ignorance and had been hoping he'd explain it to me."
"A moebius strip is a two dimensional object, to make one, you get a strip of paper, twist it through 180 degrees and then glue the ends together, if you get a pen and draw on it you end up where you started. Also if you hold it right it looks like the sign for infinity, kind of ties in with his poetry book title, Two of Infinity. He showed me this poem he wrote specially for a moebius strip, the idea being that no matter where you start to read, the thing makes sense as you follow it around the loop and you're never sure where it's supposed to end or start. He was so excited about it when it worked, he reckoned that he had invented a unique form of poetry, the first new style for hundreds of years. He calls them Prosems and the first one goes like this.

Do you know what words are? Words are thoughts I share with you. I listen to you thoughts and try and sift the signs, steadfast to your insignia, your tokens and designs. Let me in you think I say. Why would I care for you? I am out here happy. If a picture is worth a thousand words then speak in words worth a thousand pictures.

"You sound like you've read a fair bit of his poetry Buck?" "Yeah, don't tell him I said this, but his poetry is really good."
"You got a favourite?"
"Ocarina memories."
Starbuck then recites in his bestest and most resonant voice.

Postcards and Christmas cards, they briefly catch the spirit,
a gift can linger longer, but a memory remains.
I have memories of people and of places I have been,
the common and the unusual, most happy, some obscene!
This has been a wild ride, but I've done it all my life,
can a place become my lover? An area my wife?
I thought the world was all for me, so I went there and I found,
the only thing about it is the Fucking thing is round.
And round is all it Fucking is and round is all it stays.
'cause round is a direction and a way to spend the days.

Authors Note; The next part of the conversation is about poetry and rather boring to most of us, back to the rest of Starbuck and Smegma dialogue, it's pretty interesting.
"So let me see if I understand this correctly Starbuck, the tasks he wants us to do he could have done himself, he wants us to do them so we feel involved. That means he is manipulating us by making us do his dirty work."
"Smegma this is real life and a friend of ours wants us to walk into the head offices of two of the largest corporations in the world. We are then to tell them that they can either hire the outside of giant marijuana pipe for a million dollars or if they don't want to take part in this imbecilic idea, they have to pay Two million. The word the Police use for this is extortion."
"What if they gang up on him and refuse to do either?
"Glitter doesn't care what they say, he's writing a book that he wants to turn into a movie. He lives in his own weirdly wired world, way out side the square. He once told me he is sending the most complex ransom note yet devised. If the soft drink boys won't play ball he's going to go after Mac Donalds next. Think of the millions of dollars they spend each year on maintaining their family image world wide. Think how they'd react if they saw the plans for a huge fibreglass Ronald Mac Donald with a huge stem where his dick would be. Glitter even worked out a way to move the arms so it looks like the clown is masturbating."
"Man he's going to spend his entire life fighting breach of copy right laws."
"Glitter says that's an invalid point, he hasn't stolen image from anybody."
"But he's talking about a giant Coke or Pepsi bottle."
"His answer to that is simple, these companies have used advertising to create a buying response in the general public. Therefore that image is purchased with the product, the image that Glitter is using is taken from garbage, someone had already purchased the image, used it and then discarded it. He reckons if they sue him for misuse of their image he'll just bring up the pollution aspect and they'll drop the law suit."
"But you can't hold them accountable for pollution, surely that's the responsibility of the person who discarded the bottle."
"Glitter seems to think that no matter how the case goes he'll get more publicity than ever and most of the worlds population will be backing the under dog. Any way, if a character in a book or a movie can drink a can of Coke, then the same character can make a huge Bong that looks like anything he wants it to. He's safe in the arms of Fiction and Art."
"Now you are telling me that I don't exist and I'm just a figment of Glitters imagination?"
"Well that's kind of true, you do exist in real life, you're just as real as I am. These are just characters based on us, we're real, so is Glitter. Although the person Glitter is even more out there than the character Glitter. But ultimately he is just a story-teller and poet."
"How come some of the stuff that he wrote about in the book is coming true, doesn't that make him a prophet?"
"Not really, remember he had to research this novel, he asked everybody he met for years what they thought of a Giant Bong. Shit, he even asked the cops who arrested him for drink driving for their opinion."
"What did they say?"
"Ha, They searched him for drugs! Anyway about the prophesy thing, as he started writing the book and as the book was circulating, the whole idea took on a life of it's own. I mean if you read between the lines of his first book it's nothing more than a verbalisation of how to accomplish his dream."
"So by writing this as a book he can solve all the problems facing us in the same way that historians do when they rewrite history to suit the present. So I'm in no danger of losing all the stuff that I've accumulated over the years because Glitter will make sure that every thing turns out right."
"Now you got the idea Smegma, Glitter has written a book with no violence, no bad guys, and solves all the problems standing in the way of world peace."
"What if no one publishes it?"
"Glitter publishes it himself, when he first started out he would get his friends to run off photocopies of his "first draft of the first seventh of the Big Bong Theory" and post it all over the world. He was often asked why don't you send it to a publisher and let them promote it. He used to smile and say it has to be done this way. There is a huge underground network of people all over the planet who have read his writing, it's too late to stop the thing, it's already worming its way into the neural thought patterns of generation X. It is a matter of when, not if."
The car phone rings again, Smegma answers.
"Smegma, you on hands free?"
"Yeah Glit, what's up?"
"I was just calling to reiterate to you guys that when y'all are talking to the Soft drink guys you tell them that we are assembling a virtual corporation, that the guy behind this is an original artist and he cannot be controlled. Tell them it's too late to stop me and that they'd best look at the situation from a damage control point of view. Tell them the script and novel has been distributed all over the world and no matter how hard they try there are too many people involved to stop it now."
"We were just talking along similar lines Glitter." Replies Buck.
"Cool I know you guys can handle it, that's why I delegated this phase of the operation to you." "Bull shit Glitter, you just want to sit up there on the beach, smoke dope and write poetry!"
"You're right there Smegma, but first I'm going to build a really Big Bong!"
Authors Note: Glitter was always afraid that he would die in some weird accident, both his father and his grand father had died before their time. As has been discussed he wrote in long hand, with the idea being that if he died then all we had to do was to copy what he'd written and we would have ourselves a best selling novel, it was a form of financial planning or insane retirement scheme. And puzzle it was indeed. The journals are a combination of diary and the threads of at least five novels and numerous short stories, it is extremely auto biographical and the imagery is vivid. He was also adept at drawing little cartoons, the original copy of the Big Bong manuscript was recently sold at auction and fetched an amazing 32 Million Boing. The journals, of course, are not for sale. His hand writing is legible and the mistakes in spelling are often intentional, so we were never quite sure what was right. He wrote on all manner of paper, there are bits of cardboard and all kinds of things. He wrote in a very haphazard fashion, almost as if he was taking short hand from an amazingly fast talker. But if you knew him then you would know how quickly his mind worked, mind you his mouth worked damned fast as well. I've never met anyone before or since who could talk as much as he did. I can almost see him sitting there scribbling in his note book with felt tipped pens, complaining to me about all the obstacles in his way. Perhaps that the part I liked best, he wrote his journals as a conversation between him and the eventual Linear Scholar. It was almost as though he knew that someone else would read his diaries, I often felt as though I was being guided through a very complicated maze. Every now and then you'd come across an outline for a business project or money making idea that only needed capital to make it work. There are half finished poems scattered throughout, he would use one phrase or sentence over and over again, then it would disappear, only to turn up in it's proper place in the typed novel. He kept the typed and un-typed stuff separate, his journals were his editing field and he reckoned that if he kicked a sentence around long enough he would score a goal with it sooner or later.

The Big Bong Theory states;

The current living population of the earth is
roughly equal to the number of people who have died.

Therefore every intellect/artist/warrior/statesman/despot/ruler or god
that has ever existed is potentially alive right now, of course,
so too is every sod who ever turned a sod.

Chapter 1 to 3
Chapter 4 to 8 / Chapter 9 to 11
Chapter 12 to 16 / Chapter 17 to 19