Saint Anne has the honor of turning the first shovel full.
At 11:15 he walks to the center of the clearing, he had already worked out
the most acoustically viable spot for the Bong. The clearing is soon full of people
waiting to see the opening ceremony, the Mull Machine was doing a roaring trade, they had
virtually sold out of Tee shirts and Kelly was on the phone ordering more. She was quickly
proving to be indispensable, it was the first time in her life that some one had trusted
her so quickly, but then that was always one of Glitters best traits his acceptance of
peoples potential, he must have got it from his Mum. At the center of the clearing perhaps
only Glitter could see the vision of an entire Hemp world growing from this humble
beginning. In his minds eye he could see Big Bong rolling papers, Big Bong Post Cards, the
Big Bong Motel and Bar, Big Bong Breakfast cereal, in short a whole industry based around
the trading name that was his intellectual property. He was surrounded by the cream of
Australias' media and they were all unsure of how to report this event.
Authors Note; Perhaps it's best to quote from the
Article that appeared in the Sunday Papers the next weekend. This article was in all, four
pages long and had several drawings by Glitter. It was reprinted world wide, eventually
earning an award for journalism, it demonstrated that the pen is mightier than the sword
and that public opinion is stronger than Government legislation.
Today I met a man, at first glance a very ordinary man. I had been roused from my
sleep by my Editor at 3 AM and told to get my butt up to the small coastal town of
Nambucca Heads, he had been alerted by our American Affiliates that an event of world
altering proportions was taking place under our very noses. He was at a loss to explain
why we weren't already on the case, his only excuse was that whilst he'd heard of Glitter,
he and most of the Australia media had dismissed him as a joke. I jumped into my car and
made the trip in a comfortable six hours. Upon my arrival I was told that in order to
enter the Bong Site, first I'd have to buy a Tee Shirt and a copy of the novel. I used my
company credit card. I was led into a compound kind of arrangement now dressed in my new
hemp shirt, at one with the other bright colours of the people around me. I must admit at
first I thought this was some kind of cult. I was then instructed to read a short novel ,
I sat beneath one of the many Gum trees and began to read, I had changed some of my
Australian currency into Boings. The boing is more commonly known as a joint, they were
exchangeable for food and refreshments. I chose instead to smoke mine, it seemed to suit
the occasion. I've been to many Rock concerts in my time and that was the ambiance that
surrounded me, there was a buzz of excitement in the air. The further into the book I got,
the more I realised that I was reading something extraordinary, the story is a simple one
that tells how to logically attain world peace. As I got over my initial criticisms of the
sentence structure and style, I started see the big picture. This book is written by one
of those very rare people, the kind that come along only every two or three hundred years,
a true visionary. In earlier times he would have been heralded as a prophet or saint,
although he makes the claim to be just a story teller, the truth shone through. I finished
the book and then in a euphoric haze brought on by a combination of the Boings and the
love and peace emanating from the people around me, I walked over to the Black shirted
security guard who was guarding the entrance to the compound. He asked me if I was
finished reading the book, I replied that I had and that it was great. He then asked me a
couple of questions to make sure that I had. I satisfactorily answered these and was
allowed to pass through. He gave me a congratulatory joint for my efforts. Then I made my
way over to the actual ground breaking ceremony. A crowd of people were standing around a
lady with an ancient shovel in her hand. At first it was an eerie feeling seeing how
closely the man resembled the character I had just been reading about.
At precisely 11:30 she pushed the shovel into the earth and said "I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to say, Umm, Son?"
" Mum how about you say; "While this is a small shovel full of dirt for a woman
it's a giant dig at mankind?"
At first she laughed and then said, "I declare this thing open!"
I was moved deeply by this simple ceremony, we all then retired toward the bus that was
the temporary Hemp quarters, where a cluster media were clamoring for Glitters attention.
Although an air of journalistic competition was evident, I could sense that my comrades
were now all sympathetic toward this modern day Don Quixote. He told us if we wanted to we
could walk around the Peace zone, he had work to do and he then strode off, entourage
en-tow, toward the Billboards. We spoke amongst ourselves and agreed that rather than just
one of us scoop the story we would pool our money and conduct the worlds first well
behaved press conference, after all, as a writer, he was one of us. When he returned we
put this idea to him, he readily agreed and sat down where we wanted him to, under the Gum
tree flying the flip sided flag. "First Question, where and when did the idea of a
Big Bong occur to you?
"Well, when I returned from Texas to start writing I discovered that full time
writing is one of the best ways to lose weight invented, I was sleeping on a couch and
living out of a mates spare change jar, I got a part time gig as a laborer, mostly lifting
these buckets of sand up three stories, anyway, as I'm having lunch, I'm listening to the
guys, they're talking World Cup Soccer. I'm straight and thinking I wish I had a Bong.
Earlier I'd told them I was from Nambucca and to explain it's location, I said south of
Coffs Harbour, where as we all know you can find the Big Banana, in a conversational lull
one of them looks at me and said "Are you from near the Big... and at that moment
this light went off inside my head as the incoming word "Big," collided with my
last thought, "Bong." Now I know this sounds corny but it was like I suddenly
saw this beautiful vision, once I'd unscrambled the anagram boggin that is! I don't know
how much time passed, it was a true Hollywood moment, next thing I remember is I'm
suddenly asking these guys questions like how would you build it, what from, how much
would it cost. It wasn't too long before I'm telling everyone I know about how I'm going
to build a Big Bong and make a movie and write a book!"
"Did you encounter much opposition at first?"
"Yes, no one was prepared to listen me verbalize the whole plan, I made repeated
efforts to gain the necessary funding, I was on the smallest government artist subsidy,
commonly called the dole. In hindsight I probably brought much of it on my self. It is
such a complex idea, Let's face it, how many of you would have listened to me trying to
explain that I was writing a book about a guy who builds a giant Bong and that I want to
make the book into a movie? I was palmed off as being mentally unstable or drug fucked.
However once the book came out it was a different story."
"How long did it take you to write the book?"
"First I had to live it! The basic hold up was that to write it so that it was
publishable I needed a $5,000 computer, since I was spending a few years broke for life
style reasons it was a huge hurdle, in the end I simply borrowed computers when ever I
could. I then needed to produce the first 500 copies and had to borrow money for that as
well. In the mean time, I suppose I filled 50 foolscap note books with hand writing doing
the initial drafting and 16 sketch books with drawings, all over a two year period. The
actual novel took me five weeks of almost non-stop typing and editing to finalise. There
were many times that I wished I never started."
"You make the claim that you are primarily a poet, which if any of your poems best
describes you the man?"
"It's called Me in a tree. Let me recite it for Y'all,
Chameleon sitting on his
you can't see him do his dance.
Your mind won't believe what your eyes can't see.
Future crying out to me.
Vivid chains of irony.
Imagery I do reject.
Burn the bridges every time.
With out reason, without rhyme.
Full speed ahead in linear motion.
Where I'll end up have no notion.
Only want tranquillity,
there must be more than just feed me.
Am I deep? Or am I shallow?
Some things chill me to the marrow.
Who has time to explain themselves?
Not wanting help just listen please.
Insanity calling out my name,
sense of regret, sense of shame.
Yet sanity will prevail,
or I must leave here without fail.
If you need to - learn the trail,
so travel here, then travel back.
Reality may attack, then forget the worst,
relive the first, but only follow weather.
Serve everyone you ever meet,
Help others help themselves,
know that ego means
I AM HERE ALONE!!!
Let others know that you are there,
they only have to call,
still, people go their own way...
There was a silence that was soon filled with the next question.
"Have you considered the environmental impact that the Bong will have on the wild
life in this area?"
"Yes I consulted many local fishermen and they are very much in favor of me releasing
the Bong water into the river. They claim that it will attract the right kind of fish,
they figure that the fish will be slower and easier to catch. They also figure that since
one of the side effects of marijuana is an increase in weight due to the munchies that
they will just about jump into the boat, this augers well for both the tourist industry
and the local fisheries."
"What about the local birds and native animals?"
"We are talking free smoko here, I predict that animals will soon make the Big Bong
part of their annual migration."
"What do you intend to do with the massive fortune that this enterprise will bring
"I have many plans, next I would like to dig a trench from Port Augusta to Lake Ayre
and construct a heat sink to help slow down global warming and to refill the depleted
artesian basin. This would enable Australia to support many more millions of people. I
would encourage immigration to fill the labor pool. Any one prepared to sail here would be
welcome, first though, they would have to do a lap of the continent! Around the shores of
this lake I would like to plant Marijuana and begin to export it around the world. Also
there is the Contract for Nuclear missile disposal and the commencement of
Sundivers/Ecofunerals, I figure to keep myself as busy as possible."
"How closely will the movie follow the book?"
"I'm not sure, I do know that the Big Bong I'm building will be the star, I have
saved some of the funnier sight gags for the movie so in that regard it will be
"Can you give us some more of your personal history?"
"Yes, you will have to patient though, I am writing a prequel to the novel at the
moment, it will pretty much tell the story of my life up to the Bong. Although I will say
this, if we ever find a way to live someone else's life in virtual reality, when you see a
copy of my life, rent me. I have kind of worked out how to achieve this, it's a plot line
for a science fiction book I will write one day. The basic premise is that you surgically
insert a wire with a small attractant current into the pleasure center of your brain.
Connect the other end to a blank computer disc and then let the intellect or Id find it's
own way to escape the mortal trap. Preferably have a radio transmitter hooked up so that
the electrical matrix that then forms your intellect can beam itself out into the cosmos
leaving behind a copy of itself behind for safe keeping."
Personally I was glad I was taping all this.
"Have you heard from Coke or Pepsi?"
"No, I called Starbuck and Smegma and told them not to worry. That was always a back
up plan to fund this project up front. The public have supported me far quicker than I
ever imagined. The Basic shape of the Bong is a cylinder, it was always going to look like
a giant water tower. The outside shape will change from year to year. If Coke or Pepsi
want to be first then it's up to them to approach me."
Authors note; The next months were a time of
intense construction and minor complaint. Many people complained that the Bong was taking
too long to build. The heartbreak and triumph of this period is graphically captured in
the "Building of the Big Bong." It was a very tired and stoned Glitter that
finally embarked a Jumbo jet for London via L.A and Dallas. All was ready at the Bong for
the finale, needing only the joint to bring it to life. Security would pose no problems
for the worlds leaders, for example, at last count there were 7,000 Queen Elizabeths
coming to the party, in fact the major problem that would face the worlds leaders is
getting people to believe that that were the real thing! Glitter said that it will do them
good to be anonymous for a day, it might give them a bit of humility. Sitting next to
Glitter for the flight was Starbuck, he was en-route to Washington to take up his post at
the United nations as Big Bong Ambassador, he also would be Co-ordinating the media
coverage around the world. He still wasn't a smoker! The film crew were along for the
ride, they planned to shoot the Dallas bar scenes en route plus the priceless footage of
Glitter lighting a joint from the Olympic flame. The original Jumbo Jet that Glitter had
chartered was full of Aussie smokers on the first round the worlds first non stop smoke
fest, when the plane landed at L.A. the reception was enormous, a delegation of Los
Angeles celebrities gave Glitter the key to the city, he made numerous Television
appearances and then 6 Jumbos left L.A en-route to D/FW. The reception that Glitter
received there was beyond even his wildest dreams. The movie scenes were quickly shot and
the party raged up and down Greenville Avenue for days. Glitter also got to see his
beloved Packers win the Super bowl and was there with his mate "the legend" to
interview the Quarterback, who immediately joined the entourage. When they embarked their
planes at D/FW there were even more people coming on for the trip, 16 Jumbos left for
London. In London a massive crowd turned out at Heathrow Airport to welcome them, at the
head of the crowd was Lamb Jobert, she and Janice Valentine had started the English Big
Bong Fan Club. Tom Twocountries, Lamb Jobert, Janice and Selina had organised a giant
Smoke-In at Wembley Stadium to coincide with the arrival of the Big Bong Theorists.
England proved to be as hospitable as America had, by now it was truly a peace movement,
36 Jumbo Jets left for Athens. The Jumbos made an im pressive sight as they circled above
the Airport nose to tail. The procession to the Olympic flame can be viewed on the
archival film footage. Glitter didn't ride a Donkey as some of the satirical cartoons of
the day suggested. As Glitter lit the joint, he passed it to Selina, and then it passed
down the line of the most ardent supporters, Red, Janice, Ultra Cool, Selina and so on.
They followed the Joint at a leisurely pace and then they split up in to the more than 50
jumbos which were now required to transport the European, Australian and American
contingents. All the major Airlines had sponsored their own countries Bong delegations,
with Radio and TV stations awarding the seats as prizes. On their return to Australia the
fleet was joined by other planes from around the world, it was estimated that 68% of the
entire worlds aircraft descended on Sydney, the skies roared with the sound of thousands
of aircraft. Customs couldn't handle the huge volume of people. Glitters plane flew
straight to Coffs Harbour airport, the first jumbo to land on the International runway
that had been hastily built for the occasion. it was soon filled to capacity and
eventually the latter incoming Airplanes had to be parked out side the Airport!
There to meet him was John and Mathilda, Glitter climbed into the back.
"Looks like this little business venture of yours is successful Glitter."
"Yes" slurred a jet lagged Glitter, "Please don't drive too fast, I don't
want this joint to go out."
"I won't. Oh, and please don't burn the seats!"
A Police escort lead them out of the Airport towards the Bong, all along the way people
are waving to Glitter.
"So Glitter, you are the toast of the world how do you feel?" "This is the
best birthday present I've ever had."
"Oh." says Kelly, "I forgot, what do you want for your birthday?"
"You, World Peace and a couple of joints and a hot tub will do nicely thank
As they drove into the Bong site they all drew a breath, over a million people were there
to celebrate the start of the New Era of World peace. There were people every where, with
more arriving all the time, all wearing Big Bong Tee shirts. Glitter thinks to himself, I
wonder how much money I'm worth now? He is wearing his original jeans, boots and cap and a
Big Bong Tee shirt. He turns to Kelly and says, "Ain't it a shame that the first
Sundiver flight isn't due to hit the sun for another two years, a good solar flare about
now would increase sales of Big Bong Sun Blockout. The sound stage is a vast circle around
the Bong, the speaker stacks face inwards and outwards, the cream of the worlds rock
groups were ready to play the ultimate gig. The clearing resembled a giant speaker.
Glitter and Kelly dismount from the Rolls, Glitter starts to offer John some money for the
ride, John replied, "Are you kidding, do you have any idea how much this car has
appreciated in value? That's thanks enough."
Glitter climbs into a Cherry Picker and is hoisted above the crowd, joint still alight and
held high. All is silent as he starts to speak. The microphone is ultimately connected to
every Computer, Television and radio set in the world, with translators standing by ready
to spread the word.
"I don't really have the words to express how I feel at the moment. I never thought
it would get this big, this fast. The word that springs to mind is Peace. Peace at last
and Peace for ever! If you all join me and start chanting Big Bong, this entire complex
will transmit a message out into the Stars. On three, One, Two, THREE!
Glitter throws the joint into the mouth of the specially designed Ultra cone, packed with
over a ton of the worlds most Primo Quality Marijuana. The roof of the Bong begins to
rotate, drawing air down through the Stem.
Authors Note; The Bong site was indeed designed
to concentrate all the noise of the party and then through the metallic vibrations of the
Bong, to transmit the message of peace into space. Whether this was done for practical
reasons of alien contact or simply to help him win a Hugo award for science fiction, I
leave that for you to decide.
As the smoke came spiraling down the stem and into the Sump, it was being monitored by
skin-divers in specially designed thermal wet suits. They were led by an parrot head
ex-lover of Glitters, Paula. The Bong was full of people who may or may not have been
world leaders. Theorists had booked their space as they subscribed, they were allotted
space on a first in, best dressed basis. They were all equipped with Gas masks, nick named
Clintons (so called for the US President who didn't inhale,) in case the fumes became
overwhelming. The speaker stacks were booming out "Big Bong" in time to the
chant of a million people as the Cherry Picker deposited Glitter back on the ground. He
grabbed Kelly and raced for the Shottie door, sealing it Air tight behind them. They raced
up the spiral ramps that formed the inside of the Bong, the water was bubbling below as
the first of the smoke was drawn through it, emerging cool and fresh like an Autumn mist.
The ambiance of the inside of this lunatic gas chamber is best captured by reading the
poetry of Samuel Taylor Colleridge, particularly Kubla Khan. Glitter and Kelly were being
effusively congratulated by the lucky occupants of the Bong, or creatures of the Skerb as
they were to become known, even so they managed to keep just ahead of the Pot cloud. They
reached the top just as the Smoke of Peace emerges, a stone cool coming, to quote the
title of one of his lesser known poems. Glitter looks at the smiling faces of his long
standing supporters and the world leaders around him as the smoke billows out through the
rotating roof that acts as an impeller fan. He watches as it descends onto the crowd which
was already lit by the light of a Million Boings. The Bong is vibrating in time to the
chanting, the noise deafening. The feelings that must have been felt by the little poet
from Nambucca can only be guessed at, a close up from one of the many cameras at the top
shows an expression that can best be described as pure bliss. The lines inscribed above
the Shottie door say it best:
A Gentleman, a scholar, a poet, rogue or thief. The sharing of a pipe, a system of
For that was Glitter, a true gentleman, a scholar, a definite rogue, a truly gifted
poet and a stealer of hearts. The chanting went on for hours as wave after wave of the
tidal wave of peace rolled out from the Bong, the entire population of the earth together
demanding peace with one voice.
Authors Final Note; We come now to
the end of the first installment of the Big Bong Theory. Glitter of course went on to
bigger and better projects, the Big Bong continues to provide ample cash flow for the
movement he started off. The world around us as we sit here and write the last authors
note was made possible through this remarkable individuals efforts. We consider ourselves
fortunate to have lived a part of our lives in his shadow. Our children are now the first
generation of humans that have never known violence, let alone war. Every time I change
radio stations I swear I hear the sound of Glitter laughing from a far away star in the
crackle and the hiss of the static. Late at night as I lay in my bed, I strain my ears
into the silence, and at 3AM, the poets hour, he appears to me. It may only be my memory
playing tricks on me but for no reason poetry springs into my mind. As I drift into the
darkness on a moebius strip of prose, it leads on, I care not where, I'll follow where it
goes, to find my strange old Uncle that flew right into the sun, if he was the equation
then I guess that I'm the sum. See I inherited some of his skills! The question of
immortality is raised often in this book, he has achieved this in a limited way, yet as he
often pointed out this book won't survive when the sun goes nova. To you, Glitter is just
a character in a book, he is at your beck and call, you summon him to life each time your
eyes touch the page and each time you close it you condemn him to a thousand deaths. That
is how he wanted it, to take his place in your mind with all of the other characters of
your imagination. If you start behaving erratically, blame him, because if you have fully
assimilated this book then you know that Glitter is now a part of your neural thought
processes and he just might take over. To me, he seems as though he is the part of me that
takes me out to party when I'm feeling down, he is the personality that I slip into when
danger threatens or some one else is trying to dominate me. I use his words as protection
and aspire to have his knowledge and charisma. He will return one day, I'm sure and I'll
sit in his lap and listen to his stories of his adventures and travels like I did as a
little girl. When my little ones are older I know that they will follow my footsteps and
read those journals. They already know of Glitter, if you ask them where is Glitter, they
point one their cute little fingers at the sun and say, "Glitter there." The
reason he wanted to be buried in the sun was this, he thought that the Vikings were on the
right track. That the next stage of evolution was attainable only after death.
Civilization was possible through the harnessing of fire and by burning the bodies of the
dead it released their consciousness back into the tribe. The amount of intelligence
transference was a matter of temperature. He would point out the huge advances in
technology since the Nuclear bomb was invented and would use Japan as the example. Since
the hottest place to be buried was the sun, it all made sense to him, all he had to do was
find a way to get there!